That 3am feeling when the draft is over and you’re stuck with your own thoughts looking at the shit team you just drafted even though this year was the year you were going to show the league you weren’t a bird brain idiot.
This week’s bets, lines courtesy of ESPN Fantasy and Tony Tens
Mud Monkeys (+10.5) v Julios Waffe House (-10.5)
Mud Monkeys at +210
Dannys got $10 and a Wendy’s 4 for $4 against Tony on the spread, taking Mud Monkeys +10.5
Mikey Meatballs is taking Mud Monkeys su for 2 units
Recap of the 2019/2020 Championship told in a picture story.
“The come back will be greater than the fall. Revenge is sweet.”
– The Clawwww
And then there were 4… In this weeks loser leaves town we got 2 former champs vs two semi-finalist losers from last year. We got 2 people who know how to finish and 2 people who look like robbo trynna get a dance at a strip club fumbling on his words, hands shaking handing over a 20. Speaking of strip clubs, I’m loving the board this week and if you follow me good things will come. Currently sitting at a 67-9-3 record this season I’m the best in the biz and just hoping i can team up with the Great White Sharp one day.
Stronger, bigger, faster, better marinara… the chubbs have heard it all this year and it hasn’t stopped this train. I had a chance to speak to meatballs before this semi final clash and heres what he had to say.. “All men are created equal, some work harder in preseason.” Some moving words as I could see the intensity in his eyes and the old marinara stains on his shirt. If this team has the same passion as their GM idk who’s going to stop them. Afterwards I had a chance to catch up with the Baby Shaker who was drooling with a dumb rattle in his hand. Here’s what he had to say “I got McCaffrey and Edelman bro.” That pretty much sums it up as this inept GM shocks the world again by deploying a stout defense all year and has made pretty much no lineup changes and is starting 2 borderline TEs this week. Taking at all my bias out of this one I’m just worried about making my followers some money. On one hand we have a former champ who knows what it takes like joe flacco and on the other hand we have the wiley vet who has never won the big game (big bad phil rivers). So with that being said I’m predicting an italian christmas as the chubbs bone the baby shakers all day and gives mikey meatballs his 1st shot at the trophy.
2. The Clawwww (2 seed) vs Ringless Robby (3 seed)
*High School is Forever Classic* These two teams have history. The rivalry is not dead, people aren’t soft and everything is sick. The league gets what it wants as we get a Pats/Colts, Lakers/Celtics, Yankees/Red Sox esq matchup. A short 3 years ago the clawwww got its first title taking down this squad, last year the clawwww’s run was ended short by this squad and this year we get the winner take all matchup. It’s clear after thursday the clawwww is a heavy favorite but something feels weird about Ringless Robby this year.. as if the stars are aligning. Once known as the the revenge tour, this once spiraling team has rallied the troops and is ready to strike. What better revenge than to beat the clawwww and give robby his only chance to ever appear on the trophy??? Revenge is in the air. A wise man once told me “Bet the line not the number” and after thursday nights beat down it appears as Ringless Robby is a great value pick at +1025.. id throw 5s. Unfortunately just like our loser friend roberto the revenge tour falls short as the league shakes of the thought of our 1st 2x champ. Clawwww by a thousand.
Now id like to take a time to shout out the mud monkeys, Officer dickskin and by default Ob Gay and the boys. On the bright side Officer Dickskin has won the championship 100% of the time after the clawwww has won it all.. history repeats itself?
Ice Bowl update:
Hepatitis D vs BYE
Congrats darren! you did it bud! nobody believed in you but you’re going to the fucking ship!! Don’t listen to anybody the 2 teams that trade raped you aren’t doing much better.. they are playing in some gay ass semi finals for just some money and their name cemented on the trophy forever. At least somebody on your team will have a chance at winning.
Julio’s Waffle House vs ABs wild Ride
Tbh i haven’t looked at this matchup and i refuse to even move the mouse on my laptop to click the box to check it out. In the 2 leagues i am in with tony he’s playing in the toilet bowl championship hahahaha. i really don’t care what happens here but I’m riding with ABs wild ride and its honestly one of my most confident plays of the year.
PLAYOFFS?????? (insert Jim Mora here) I know all of you got some extra coins in your pocket and ready to throw in some ridiculous parlays. Have no fear boys the guru is here. @matty @robbo 😉 . I couldn’t be happier to see 3 former champs still well and alive. Robbo finally fucking did it and E is the new tony..congrats on being worse than 50% of the league but better than the other 50%. Currently sitting at a 58-7-3 record.. lets finish this one off right.
Before i get started id like to formally congratulate the Mud Monkeys for securing a playoff spot. Unfortunately for you it means you knocked out my good friends, my favorite underdogs.. ABs wild ride. You got some bad jujuuuuuu coming your way my friend. Fantasy is a cruel cruel game and this week it’ll be roaring its ugly head at you for messing up that cinderella story. With that being said, id like to tell another story.. today i was walking to class, snow melting around me, bunch of soggy grass, just a real messy situation. I got inside and decided to wipe my timbs off on the mat(I’m from new york) and made a shit brown stain on the rug. Looking down at it disgusted, i said to myself “thats a mud monkey”.. i spit on it and went on with my day. The clawwww snatches the 1st round victory.
2. Ringless Robby (3 seed) vs Officer Dickskin (6 seed)
The son of a bitch did it. You fucking did it Officer. I will never kneel during the national anthem. God damn do i love football. “Between winning and losing, between living and dying. When we add up all those inches, thats going to make the fucking difference. On this team, we fight for that inch.” AHHHH man this one is tickling my balls. Officer dickskin is outmatched yet again but justice will be served. We got domestic violence in this one and I’m taking cuz. Ringless Robby going to be seeing APtheGHOST28 out there all week as officer dickskin slips one by ringless robby just as he slips one by on ya girl.
3. OB Gay and the Boys (4 seed) vs Sammy gave me a Chubb (5 seed)
Sheeeeeesh do we got some juicy matchups this wildcard weekend. Already got multiple calls from tony gobagol in PR and ratings are through the rooooooooof. Expect some holiday bonuses in the mail as fireworks will be set off in this one. On one hand I love OBgay putting all its trust in Darold.. on the other hand i think these are the mouth breathing decisions that keep this organization ringless. In the other corner we got the Chubbs that got 13 weeks of blue balls looking like a smirf out there. Idk what this team is going to do but I know its looking to bone anything thrown in front of it. Just hope this team finds the right hole. In a true utter toss up I’m going with the Chubbs in this one.
4. Baby Shaker Baker (1 seed) vs Bye (Undefeated)
For the 6th straight year Baby Shaker Baker’s stout defense leads the league in lowest points against. This team is bigger, faster, stronger and isn’t afraid to hit you in the mouth. They got home field advantage throughout the playoffs and you don’t want to see this defense at home. Try to run the ball? Not happening. Try to throw the ball? Forget about ittt. Try to run a double reverse option pass? You just got sacked, turnover on downs. Defense wins championships.. maybe this stout D needs some respect? Baby Shaker’s take out the bye this week in a landslide. Sprinkle some change on them pitching a shut out in this one. (+10000)
Now onto the losers bracket….
HAHAHAHAHAHAH you thought id waste my thoughts and finger strength typing game breakdowns on you fucking losers. hahahahahaha congratulations guys, you are pretty much the knicks of our league. MORE THAN HALF THE LEAGUE MAKES THE PLAYOFFS AND YOU DIDNT. hahahahah god idek how you guys face yourselves in the mirror every morning. Jesus christ. Our former champ gets a pass on this one as he still has our beloved trophy for another couple weeks. But the rest of you.. sheesh.
However, I’d like to congratulate Tony on locking up the 1st round bye. Not gunna lie bud, i doubted you had it in you bud but you did it you sick son of a bitch. I can make the 1st anti superhero book about you. The Chronicle of Tony Toughnutz. PAGE 1: Today was a tough day. I woke up and let the shower water hit me in the back of the head for 40 minutes as i stood in the shower slumped. The water was too hot and burned me but the nozzle was too far away to change the temperature. Then, I sat at work for 8 hours looking at my shitty fantasy lineup day dreaming about what could’ve been. I got home from work and zeus peed on me at the door. Rosa made meatloaf for dinner even though she knows i hate meatloaf. She even made me finish all of my vegetables. Now I’m sitting in my room in my boxers reading this write up wishing I wasn’t so bad at fantasy football. Hopefully tomorrow is a better day. END.
Alright boys, the moment we’ve all been waiting for.. week 13.. loser literally goes home.. unless you’re me and then you’re stuck considering if you should rest guys or play for the home field advantage. For most of you this is going to be your last meaningful week of fantasy football until next August. Lot of dreams on the line this week but you better hope i don’t put the curse on you as my 48-13-3 record speaks for itself.
Lot of implications on the line here as the clawwww is looking to lock up that 1st round bye as the mud monkeys are desperately trying to lock up the 7 seed to play the Baby Shakers in the 1st round. Unfortunately for the mud monkeys a win here will likely make them avoid the baby shakers and have to see the clawwww 2 weeks in a row which is just a death sentence. The clawwww brings the mud monkeys behind the shed this week and puts this dog to sleep. Maybe next year you won’t draft a TE in the 2nd round. Clawwww by a thousand.
2. AB’s Wild Ride (5-7) (12th place) vs Let me hit your JuJul (5-7) (9th place)
These maintenance workers need a raise because not only is this ride up and running but its got lines to the parking lot. AB’s wild ride continues to get better and better as every loop di loop brings in more and more fans. Its so fitting that Jared Goff is going to put the Juul out of its misery as he and the rams optimize first to worst just like this team. Juul flavors get a national ban as this juul gets banned from the playoffs?.. Coincidence??? Aliens are real? 9/11 was an inside job? ABs wild ride by a million and with some help can sneak in.
3. Baby Shaker Baker (8-4)(2nd place) vs Julio’s Waffle House (5-7) (8th place)
Oh man, how right vegas always is. The waffle house finds themselves in the last regular season game of the year battling for the beloved 7 seed. Who could of predicted it?! “If only i had my 2nd and 3rd round draft pick for the year” “If only hooper didn’t get hurt for the last 3 weeks” “If only i wasn’t a mouth breathing moron” This one is clear folks, the waffle house is off to a hot start but its lunch time, the syrup is drying up, the babies are crying and somebody needs to shake them. Baby shaker in a come from behind blowout.
4. Ringless Robby (6-6) (4th place) vs Sammy gave me a Chubb (7-5) (3rd place)
Some late game tinkering, some draft pick meltdowns and a name change later, i think ringless robby is really gunna do it. Win or lose i think this shoot out i going to lead to a playoff spot for both of these teams. Do i think ringless robby has enough to contend? The name says it all but do i think ringless robby can spoil a contender hopes in the 1st round.. shhhhhh. I hope the simone cousins shared the gravy at thanksgiving because theres plenty to go around in the week 13. Does the resurrected chubb gives his cousin an early christmas present or does gravy become thicker than blood. Tune in to find out. Leaning toward ringless robby in this one.
5. Officer Dickskin (6-6) (6th place) vs Hepatitis D (5-7) (11th place)
Man, this one is tearing at my heartstrings. Two of my favorite underdogs to rock all every year. One team i trade raped into a 3-0 run for the both of us, the other.. the officer. Nothing more i can hope for than a 400-399 win for Hepatitis D as they both sneak in. After talking to my analytics guy and crunching all the numbers I’m taking Hepatitis money line here. Simply too much value for the matchup and too much on the line. Get your vaccines we might see Hepatitis in the playoffs for maybe the first time ever???
6. Sutton My Face (5-7) (10th place) vs OB gay and the boys (6-6) (5th place)
I couldn’t be happier that its week 13 and after this week i won’t have to be writing about both of these dumpster fires anymore. These teams make me almost as sick as the daniel jones and pat shurmur led giants. Its football season, so I’m going to watch but god does it make me regret a lot of things I’ve done in my life to lead me to this point. Sutton my face has a hilariously good roster on paper but also has 52 points on his bench from the turkey bowl. Ob gay and the boys is the annoying little brother that always wants to do what his big brother is doing. “my team is really good too” Hope Sutton my face suffocates the gay boy out of the playoffs in this one.
Alright boys week fucking 12. The clock is ticking for most of you dumpster fire squads.. 2 more weeks to drag your sorry ass teams to the playoffs. For majority of the league id like to thank you for your donations in advance, without you guys this league would never have made it to where it is today. Lets get into it.
In this absolute game of the year matchup, both teams see a name change. A little confused here, but Ringless Robby has got quite the ring to it. Ha thats about the only thing associated with robby that has a ring. Tbh i can’t blame these owners for changing their names.. i wouldn’t want to be associated with those 1st 11 weeks either. But anyways lets get back to the field.. after breaking down the game film I can’t see anyway in which this one isn’t an absolute rout. For those of you less fortunate, a rout is defined as “a disorderly retreat of defeated troops.” Look for the gay boys to be running away from this one with their tail between their legs, staying up all night listening to drake. “The worst part about being strong is that no one ever ask if you’re okay.” Ringless Robby by a thousand.
2. Julio’s Waffle House (5-6) vs AB’s Wild Ride (4-7)
*SPOILER ALERT* These 2 spiraling teams meet in this 1:00 flexed game. Earlier in the season this game was supposed to be MNF but the league realized it didn’t want to waste the viewers time. This game is a foreshadow of bills vs jets week 17 this year. We have the fraudulent Waffle house who snuck out some early wins and put themselves in playoff contention vs the horrible jets who have nothing but pride to play for. Expect the Wild Ride to put the waffle house in the Gravitron this week.. those walls are going to be sticky.
3. The Clawwww (8-3) vs SuttOn My face (5-6)
Alright boys, you know when you get to the part on sunday after you lose all your parlays, the jets and giants have ripped out your heart, you’ve stared at your fantasy team put up 56 points, all the 1:00 games are over and you rip your nicotine devices until you pass out on the couch? This is that time. Absolute snoozefest as the clawwww just keeps on snatching souls.
4. Sammy gave me a Chubb (6-5) vs Let me hit your Jujul (5-6)
Man this is the fucking reason i love this beautiful sport that we play. The fucking simoney show down week 12, playoffs on the line. If this doesn’t tickle your balls idk what will. All i know is somebody will be passing the stuffing at thanksgiving this week. I know in my line of work you guys expect picks and you expect winners but this is a battle of two winners. This one is going to come down to whoever has the ball last and boy do you not want to miss it. Sorry to say it but I’m going to have to rock with the chubbs here.
5. Hepatitis D (4-7) vs Baby Shaker Baker (8-3)
Hold the phone here folks.. looks like the Hepatitis D is evolving and those damn antibiotics aren’t working anymore. This red hot team is coming off 2 huge wins after a monster trade that left some fans and owners murmuring. Clearly hepatitis D knew Tua was a weak ass bitch because this team is no longer tanking. I really don’t wanna say it but I’m gunna say it.. a win this week and Hepatitis D is eyeing a playoff spot. (eyeball emoji) Expect the baby shakers to coast into this game as they are one of 2 teams to already clinch. Expect the baby shakers to start scaling back their starters minutes to gear up for the playoffs. Gunna try something new here and pull out my mushing powers on the baby shakers..throw the house on the shakers this week.
6. Mud Monkeys (5-6) vs Officer Dickskin (5-6)
The officer absolutely burned me last week. They were my mortal lock, the sherif was back in town, blue lives almost mattered. Part of me is done with this organization and part of me also wants to slam my hand right back on stove and see if i get burned again. Tbh before writing this there was really no way i could see the officer pulling this one off but i now i got myself fired up. Im touching the flame.. OFFICER DICKSKIN resurrection game.
Alright boys, week 11, ton of playoff implications on the line. For most of you this is all we have so… don’t fuck it up. With that being said my record speaks for itself so believe everything i say.. especially when I’m trying to make a trade with you.
Gotta say after the revenge tours trade rape this week, this team isn’t as far off as some would like to believe. However, this team will be relying on season disappointments joe mixon, leveon bell, DJnotsomuch2k and ronald jones to carry them to the promise land. Aside from this, management failed to make a name change before the weekly write up. For those reasons, the clawwww new look lineup will continue to rain terror down on this league as the revenge tour is left not knowing what to believe anymore. Look for the revenge tour to get snatched up in this one. Clawww by a thousand.
2. ABs Wild Ride (4-6) vs Sammy gave me a Chubb (5-5)
In this nail biting game, these 2 derailing teams desperately need a win to keep their playoff hopes alive. ABs wild ride looks like its closing for the season for maintenance while the Chubbs seem like they have built a tolerance to viagra. Both of these teams are no threat to anybody but themselves. Feel like theres no need to overthink this one, take the Chubb, take the points, take the money.
3. Julio’s Waffle House (5-5) vs Hepatitis D (3-7)
Ciao, arivaderce, come ti chiami. Thats about all the italian i know but i got a feeling the italian stallion is going to bounce back in a big way this week. The waffle house’s decision making was a little clouded by all the hookers and smoke in the cafe’s this week as his shaky internet connection halted him from tinkering. Not to mention the waffle house had to spend a whole week alone with his gf in a country of people who speak a different language. I can only imagine how much he’s hurting. The bleeding stops for him this week as Hepatitis new look roster is clearly tanking for tua. If we did a dynasty league this dumpster fire organization would have some hope every year. Unfortunately this isn’t that year. Waffle house is my lock of the week even though this once elite team doesn’t look so elite anymore.
4. Let me hit your JuJul (4-6) vs Straight outta Hopkins (6-4)
Going into the write ups i was going to pick against SoH as i always do but jesus christ. The juul is starting 3 NEW YORK JETS THIS WEEK. I would just like to remind the juul that the jets don’t get to play the giants every week.. sheesh. Honestly think it might be time for the Juul to switch over to Stix because this team is SPIRALING. With that being said I’m sticking with the JUUL in this one because how could i not. J-E-T-S JETS JETS JETS!!! Hahahah underdog mL of the week here.
5. Baby Shaker Baker (7-3) vs Mud Monkeys (5-5)
Interesting matchup here as i don’t think I’ve ever picked either of these 2 teams to win a game. With that being said, it may be time to take the baby shakers serious. This team may not look pretty but they know how to win football games. This team kinda reminds me of the pats, always a bunch of terrible skill players surrounded by brady and bellicheck. I don’t really get it but it works. Think the Mud Monkeys will be stuck spinning in the mud this week as their playoff hopes and realization of having a shitty team finally sets in. In an odd serious of events I’m rolling with the baby shakers here.
6. Officer Dickskin (5-5) vs SuttOn my face (4-6)
HANDS ABOVE YOUR HEAD… THE OFFICER IS BACK!! Sutton my face really needs to make some peaces and squash some beef with the gambling/fantasy gods. This franchise is currently riddled with bad picks, bad matchups ad bad injuries and i absolutely love it. I think my favorite part of every week is knowing how excited sutton my face gets when golladay scores a 50 yard bomb just to be torn down the rest of the day. THIS TEAM STINK. Hide your kids, hide your wife, everybody getting raped out here.. OFFICER DICKSKIN BACK.
Alright boys that bitch left, i got my laptop back and I’m ready to dive balls deep into week 10. Coming into this week with a 15-8-1 record. I got a sick record, a sick team and everything is sick. Lets do it..
In robby d’s “matchup of the week” we have an absolute snooze fest. Robbys ability to predict a game is about the same as his ability to draft a team.. clueless. Julio’s Waffle House by an absolute landslide in this one as the Mud Monkeys gross roster is leaving skid marks on my eyes this morning. Half of the mud monkeys starters rely on Mitch Trubisky and Daniel Jones.. yikes. Honestly a little pissed at robbo calling this the game of the week. If you know anything about anything and aren’t just a big stumbling bumbling idiot, you know vegas fucked up on this line and its time to jump on the Waffle House before this line creeps up. Just to clarify WAFFLE HOUSE BY A MILLION.
2. The Clawwww (6-3) vs Let me hit your JuJul (4-5)
In this clash of former champs its gunna simply come down to which team wants it more. Although the Juul is grossly outmatched, you know theres no quit in those addicting little things. Its also worth noting here that the 1st time the clawwww lost a game this year, they wound up dropping 2 straight to 2 straight retards. The clawwww is coming off a loss to mikey meatballs and now see’s big ry this week?… they do say history likes to repeat itself. Unfortunately for the Juul, The Clawwww doesn’t believe in history… are dinosaurs real? did abe lincon ever exist? Does tony somehow have more hair than he had in 6th grade? A lot of questions without a lot of answers but one answer i do have for you, The Clawwww will pull away in this one late as the star power to overpowers Juul addiction.
3. Hepatitis D (2-7) vs AB’s Wild Ride (4-5)
*DUMPSTER FIRE MATCHUP OF THE WEEK* We got an interesting matchup here as the wild ride is playing with all of its playoff hopes on the line and Hepatitis is simply playing to be spoiler and try and stay out of the ice bowl. Honestly feeling pretty nauseous looking at this one but that might just be from the colt 45. Hepatitis needs a cure and i think this is the week they start sipping on some sizzurp. I’m taking hepatitis in this one as this might be a sneak peak to the loser bowl later this year.
4. Straight Outta Hopkins (5-4) vs Sammy Gave me a Chubb (5-4)
Looking into my crystal ball for this matchup i see is clear as day…”bro you’re just lucky hopkins was on a bye” “wait till i get my full team back” “keep sleeping” This matchup is clear to me. Sammy gave me a chubb has been the real slept on team. Coming off a hugeeee win last week the Chubb is coming into this matchup rock hard looking to drop the hammer on obj and the rest of this overrated team. Got chubb winning a tight one here as straight outta hopkins takes a hilarious devastating loss down this important stretch.
5. SuttOn my face (4-5) vs Baby Shaker Baker (6-3)
Tbh guys with this hangover really setting in i finally understand why pinks team can’t get the job done. It is not easy to operate at a level like this, none the less set a winning fantasy lineup. I’m running out of steam and really need a bacon egg and cheese… salt pepper ketchup. The baby shakers suck but CMC will prob have a billion points blah blah blah. This team reminds me of the cowboys, beat up on the shitty teams, have a good record, make the playoffs but nobody is ever scared of them. I hate this team and will never bet with them.. putting the house on SuttOn my face.
6. Officer Dickskin (4-5) vs Matty Revenge Tour (5-4)
*MATCHUP OF THE FUCKING CENTURY*
Last but not least we have a simone battle, LOSER LEAVES TOWN matchup here. The revenge tour comes into the matchup looking like a deer in the headlights while dickskin comes into confidence sky high.. ignorance is bliss. I can’t stress this enough tho.. LOSER. LEAVES. TOWN. Losers invite to thanksgiving, lost in the mail. Losers invite to family dinner, non existent. Losers keys to their own house, what house. Losers invite to come chill with the boys, what boys. LOSER LEAVES TOWN!!! Man this ones got me fired up. Feel like jon gruden in the middle of august watching hunter renfrow run dig routes.