Week 2..half of you guys finally realize what morons you are that scary terry in the 5th, baby knees as your RB1, Saquon in the 1st just isn’t winning football. For you guys you have 12 more weeks to think about your actions and see if you can get your squirrly hands on some film. For the other half of us its statement week. Time to find out who’s for real and whos tony. I got nothing else to say but football is still back.
Woke up this morning to some cool fall air to pay the meter, looked at our 1;00 matchups and this one just felt righ. Reigning champ vs former champ, brother vs brother the only thing missing is some aunt jamima pancakes. I don’t understand the reference and i dont think it matters, this loser leaves town matchup doesn’t really matter because neither of these 2 once feared dynasties are any more than a shell of themselves. A burnt marshmallow could put more fear into somebody than these teams. Gun to my head im going with scammy the captain in a bounce back fashion this week to let the league know who the reigning champ still is, take the points, take the mL, take the money.
Baby Shaker Baker can finally get off the chopping block for worst team name with a tough battle against Gould Hunt. i dont even know where to start with how shitty this name is. If you put your money on gould hunt you support womans rights. What? It seems as if both of these once clowned organizations are close to turning the chapter on years of being a loser to years of being a disappointment. O’delli Meatz has a strong core but has some questionable WRs while Gould Hunt continues to show impressively bad lineup management. Paris Campbell over kareem hunt this week hahahaha get a load of this guy. Tony how do you even manage to piss in the bowl? Paris Campbell hahahah. I hope you can tell where my heads with at this one.. Taking O’delli Meatz in this fraud bowl,
Has the deal with the devil finally worn off for Glenn?! Glenn gets rocked week 1, brady and bellicheck break up, dame dollar isnt elite.. 2020 is a reality slap in the face for this organization. This shitty fucking organization was finally exposed week 1 and week 2 wont be any better. I should just copy my write up for the clawwww so i can post it every week because the story simply does not change. This team is a power house, the train won’t stop, upper management is extremely handsome i mean the 20s look like they’ll be just as promising as the 10s. Clawwww by a million, make up for you 1:00 parlays that don’t hit.. Don’t overthink this one.
Glad to see a name change for hold my wood as this organization is in a win at all cost mindset and knows what it takes to get it done while the staff infection led by an oompa loompa RB1 is still looking for a cure. Looking at this roster it seems like Staff infection is patient 0 for the 1st person in history to give themselves their own staff infection. He prob got it from that rusty rod that he shoves up his ass every sunday when he’s looking at 70 points mid way through the 4:00 games. I’m running out of brain power here.. I know how you feel robbo. Hold my Wood in bounce back fashion here as the new merch is flying off the shelves.
ITS THE YEAR OF THE VIRUS. Hepatitis D has finally mutated in a strain that can’t be contained. Statement game coming here. DON’T fade Hepatitis. This team has been watching film, this team has been working in the offseason, this team has been doing nebraskas, this team is here to stay. Even with all this hype bet the OVER in this game. Its-a-me-Lamario is simply too good of a name to bet against but points will be flowing this week. Alternate line of over 275, take it with confidence.. Sprinkle the winnings.
“I got a snake in my boot” – blazz
“Dickskin lives matter” -Officer Dickskin
This ones a snooze fest. Dickskin all the way in this one.
Welcome back boys. The moment we’ve all been waiting for. Another year which means another year of heartache, another year of devastation, another year laughing at Robbo. The joy it brings me to be writing this to you guys on this very special day, happy football fellas. We got a full slate of games so lets dive right into this one.
Where do I even start with these 2 bottom feeders? We got the 2019 ice champ squaring off against the 2018 ice champ in this marquee matchup. We have an electric rebrand for It’s-A-Me-Lamario, which is sending some buzz around the community while Gould Hunt brands into one of the most boring but accurate representation of its owner. Without even looking at the matchups you know who I’m going with in this one. Gesicki and Josh Allen are going to be playing patty cake this Sunday while Gould Hunt’s rosterbates to the guru predicting a gallup as a breakout this week. Take It’s-A-Me, take the points, take the money, take the ‘gould’ this ones a runaway.
“Sometimes we laugh sometimes we cry but I guess you know now” -Robby Doscas
Whats week 1 without a little rivalry week? Theres hitting the lotto, theres bringing home the busty bimbo from the bar and then theres this. Sometimes I wish I had something nice to say about robbo but hes makes it so damn hard. Where do I even start with this dumpster fire?
Starting QB: broken back
Starting RBs: never played a snap of NFL football
Starting WR: they’re trying their best
Starting DEF: the DETROIT LIONS
Starting K: mason crosby.. Can’t hate on the legend
All I gotta say boys, BLM.. More importantly Dickskin lives matter. Officer cruises by in week 1 as the staff infection looks for a penicilin shot.
Another year, another wagon drafted by matty no rings. I mean across the board this team has got talent. Elite RB1 and RB2, solid WRs, Elite TE, da bears D, I mean this team doesn’t have any holes. It’s a shame this organization reminds me so much of the Cowboys, filled with talent at every position yet just can’t finish. Its as if this team is lacking dedication or loyalty.. Some may even go as far as to call them fraudulent. Fortunately for the Goff Balls, they are playing the 2018 champ who seems to still think its 2018 because the superbowl hangover continues for Ceedeez Nuts. Its difficult to watch this fall from grace after being a fan but it seems like this organization is content with its 1 ring but hey why wouldn’t they be? Nobody can take 2018 away from you champ. Goff Balls by a thousand for my lock of the week.
This section is only dedicated for owners who attended the draft. However, I will say that the Blazz organization took a new strategy by drafting players that they have something in common with and can connect with.. One working shoulder. Now onto the real star of this matchup, O’delli Meatz. “Get on the scale.. Get off the scale”.. This team is bring the heavyweights to the gridiron this year. Meatz will be leaning heavily on the three headed monster of Russel Wilson, josh jacobs and OBshitonmychestJ which just might be enough to compete this year. I’m rocking with deli meats in this one as they actually show up on Sundays.
Its insane how easily these organizations could be swapped. If Hepatitis ever played the defense that snow white plays, history wouldn’t be the same. Unfortunately history is deemed to repeat itself if we don’t learn from it. Snow White turns in another hilarious draft and I’m sure we’ll be fighting to score 100 points to knock this dumpster fire out. Melvin baby knees Gordon, James White, edelman and pats D.. I guess this team would be sick in 2015 which is probably the last time Matt watched a cowboys game and actually rooted for them, fraud. Sorry got a little side tracked there by that fucking asshole but anyway yea glenns team is awful yet again but im sure we’ll hear about his fantasy pedigree right after he reads this. And now to my good friend Hepatitis.. 8458036761.. We can work out a deal. Hepatitis by 32.8 in this one.. Snow white is stuck in the bathroom taking one too many key bumps.
“The comeback will be greater than the fall. Revenge is sweet.” -The Clawwww
I finally know what Tom Brady and the 18-0 patriots must’ve felt like losing to the 9-7 New York Football Giants(remember matty? What a great day that was for us bud). The greats always bounce back though and The Clawwww is no exception. This outstanding organization had yet another dominating draft and is ready for another run at whats theirs. Expect The Clawwww to become the only 2x champ of this league as this season is dedicated to the ghost of ThreELI. Mike all I can say is, congrats champ and prepare for this ass raping week 1.
Welcome back boys.
That 3am feeling when the draft is over and you’re stuck with your own thoughts looking at the shit team you just drafted even though this year was the year you were going to show the league you weren’t a bird brain idiot.
This week’s bets, lines courtesy of ESPN Fantasy and Tony Tens
Mud Monkeys (+10.5) v Julios Waffe House (-10.5)
Mud Monkeys at +210
Dannys got $10 and a Wendy’s 4 for $4 against Tony on the spread, taking Mud Monkeys +10.5
Mikey Meatballs is taking Mud Monkeys su for 2 units
Recap of the 2019/2020 Championship told in a picture story.
“The come back will be greater than the fall. Revenge is sweet.”
– The Clawwww
And then there were 4… In this weeks loser leaves town we got 2 former champs vs two semi-finalist losers from last year. We got 2 people who know how to finish and 2 people who look like robbo trynna get a dance at a strip club fumbling on his words, hands shaking handing over a 20. Speaking of strip clubs, I’m loving the board this week and if you follow me good things will come. Currently sitting at a 67-9-3 record this season I’m the best in the biz and just hoping i can team up with the Great White Sharp one day.
Stronger, bigger, faster, better marinara… the chubbs have heard it all this year and it hasn’t stopped this train. I had a chance to speak to meatballs before this semi final clash and heres what he had to say.. “All men are created equal, some work harder in preseason.” Some moving words as I could see the intensity in his eyes and the old marinara stains on his shirt. If this team has the same passion as their GM idk who’s going to stop them. Afterwards I had a chance to catch up with the Baby Shaker who was drooling with a dumb rattle in his hand. Here’s what he had to say “I got McCaffrey and Edelman bro.” That pretty much sums it up as this inept GM shocks the world again by deploying a stout defense all year and has made pretty much no lineup changes and is starting 2 borderline TEs this week. Taking at all my bias out of this one I’m just worried about making my followers some money. On one hand we have a former champ who knows what it takes like joe flacco and on the other hand we have the wiley vet who has never won the big game (big bad phil rivers). So with that being said I’m predicting an italian christmas as the chubbs bone the baby shakers all day and gives mikey meatballs his 1st shot at the trophy.
2. The Clawwww (2 seed) vs Ringless Robby (3 seed)
*High School is Forever Classic* These two teams have history. The rivalry is not dead, people aren’t soft and everything is sick. The league gets what it wants as we get a Pats/Colts, Lakers/Celtics, Yankees/Red Sox esq matchup. A short 3 years ago the clawwww got its first title taking down this squad, last year the clawwww’s run was ended short by this squad and this year we get the winner take all matchup. It’s clear after thursday the clawwww is a heavy favorite but something feels weird about Ringless Robby this year.. as if the stars are aligning. Once known as the the revenge tour, this once spiraling team has rallied the troops and is ready to strike. What better revenge than to beat the clawwww and give robby his only chance to ever appear on the trophy??? Revenge is in the air. A wise man once told me “Bet the line not the number” and after thursday nights beat down it appears as Ringless Robby is a great value pick at +1025.. id throw 5s. Unfortunately just like our loser friend roberto the revenge tour falls short as the league shakes of the thought of our 1st 2x champ. Clawwww by a thousand.
Now id like to take a time to shout out the mud monkeys, Officer dickskin and by default Ob Gay and the boys. On the bright side Officer Dickskin has won the championship 100% of the time after the clawwww has won it all.. history repeats itself?
Ice Bowl update:
Hepatitis D vs BYE
Congrats darren! you did it bud! nobody believed in you but you’re going to the fucking ship!! Don’t listen to anybody the 2 teams that trade raped you aren’t doing much better.. they are playing in some gay ass semi finals for just some money and their name cemented on the trophy forever. At least somebody on your team will have a chance at winning.
Julio’s Waffle House vs ABs wild Ride
Tbh i haven’t looked at this matchup and i refuse to even move the mouse on my laptop to click the box to check it out. In the 2 leagues i am in with tony he’s playing in the toilet bowl championship hahahaha. i really don’t care what happens here but I’m riding with ABs wild ride and its honestly one of my most confident plays of the year.
PLAYOFFS?????? (insert Jim Mora here) I know all of you got some extra coins in your pocket and ready to throw in some ridiculous parlays. Have no fear boys the guru is here. @matty @robbo 😉 . I couldn’t be happier to see 3 former champs still well and alive. Robbo finally fucking did it and E is the new tony..congrats on being worse than 50% of the league but better than the other 50%. Currently sitting at a 58-7-3 record.. lets finish this one off right.
Before i get started id like to formally congratulate the Mud Monkeys for securing a playoff spot. Unfortunately for you it means you knocked out my good friends, my favorite underdogs.. ABs wild ride. You got some bad jujuuuuuu coming your way my friend. Fantasy is a cruel cruel game and this week it’ll be roaring its ugly head at you for messing up that cinderella story. With that being said, id like to tell another story.. today i was walking to class, snow melting around me, bunch of soggy grass, just a real messy situation. I got inside and decided to wipe my timbs off on the mat(I’m from new york) and made a shit brown stain on the rug. Looking down at it disgusted, i said to myself “thats a mud monkey”.. i spit on it and went on with my day. The clawwww snatches the 1st round victory.
2. Ringless Robby (3 seed) vs Officer Dickskin (6 seed)
The son of a bitch did it. You fucking did it Officer. I will never kneel during the national anthem. God damn do i love football. “Between winning and losing, between living and dying. When we add up all those inches, thats going to make the fucking difference. On this team, we fight for that inch.” AHHHH man this one is tickling my balls. Officer dickskin is outmatched yet again but justice will be served. We got domestic violence in this one and I’m taking cuz. Ringless Robby going to be seeing APtheGHOST28 out there all week as officer dickskin slips one by ringless robby just as he slips one by on ya girl.
3. OB Gay and the Boys (4 seed) vs Sammy gave me a Chubb (5 seed)
Sheeeeeesh do we got some juicy matchups this wildcard weekend. Already got multiple calls from tony gobagol in PR and ratings are through the rooooooooof. Expect some holiday bonuses in the mail as fireworks will be set off in this one. On one hand I love OBgay putting all its trust in Darold.. on the other hand i think these are the mouth breathing decisions that keep this organization ringless. In the other corner we got the Chubbs that got 13 weeks of blue balls looking like a smirf out there. Idk what this team is going to do but I know its looking to bone anything thrown in front of it. Just hope this team finds the right hole. In a true utter toss up I’m going with the Chubbs in this one.
4. Baby Shaker Baker (1 seed) vs Bye (Undefeated)
For the 6th straight year Baby Shaker Baker’s stout defense leads the league in lowest points against. This team is bigger, faster, stronger and isn’t afraid to hit you in the mouth. They got home field advantage throughout the playoffs and you don’t want to see this defense at home. Try to run the ball? Not happening. Try to throw the ball? Forget about ittt. Try to run a double reverse option pass? You just got sacked, turnover on downs. Defense wins championships.. maybe this stout D needs some respect? Baby Shaker’s take out the bye this week in a landslide. Sprinkle some change on them pitching a shut out in this one. (+10000)
Now onto the losers bracket….
HAHAHAHAHAHAH you thought id waste my thoughts and finger strength typing game breakdowns on you fucking losers. hahahahahaha congratulations guys, you are pretty much the knicks of our league. MORE THAN HALF THE LEAGUE MAKES THE PLAYOFFS AND YOU DIDNT. hahahahah god idek how you guys face yourselves in the mirror every morning. Jesus christ. Our former champ gets a pass on this one as he still has our beloved trophy for another couple weeks. But the rest of you.. sheesh.
However, I’d like to congratulate Tony on locking up the 1st round bye. Not gunna lie bud, i doubted you had it in you bud but you did it you sick son of a bitch. I can make the 1st anti superhero book about you. The Chronicle of Tony Toughnutz. PAGE 1: Today was a tough day. I woke up and let the shower water hit me in the back of the head for 40 minutes as i stood in the shower slumped. The water was too hot and burned me but the nozzle was too far away to change the temperature. Then, I sat at work for 8 hours looking at my shitty fantasy lineup day dreaming about what could’ve been. I got home from work and zeus peed on me at the door. Rosa made meatloaf for dinner even though she knows i hate meatloaf. She even made me finish all of my vegetables. Now I’m sitting in my room in my boxers reading this write up wishing I wasn’t so bad at fantasy football. Hopefully tomorrow is a better day. END.
Alright boys, the moment we’ve all been waiting for.. week 13.. loser literally goes home.. unless you’re me and then you’re stuck considering if you should rest guys or play for the home field advantage. For most of you this is going to be your last meaningful week of fantasy football until next August. Lot of dreams on the line this week but you better hope i don’t put the curse on you as my 48-13-3 record speaks for itself.
Lot of implications on the line here as the clawwww is looking to lock up that 1st round bye as the mud monkeys are desperately trying to lock up the 7 seed to play the Baby Shakers in the 1st round. Unfortunately for the mud monkeys a win here will likely make them avoid the baby shakers and have to see the clawwww 2 weeks in a row which is just a death sentence. The clawwww brings the mud monkeys behind the shed this week and puts this dog to sleep. Maybe next year you won’t draft a TE in the 2nd round. Clawwww by a thousand.
2. AB’s Wild Ride (5-7) (12th place) vs Let me hit your JuJul (5-7) (9th place)
These maintenance workers need a raise because not only is this ride up and running but its got lines to the parking lot. AB’s wild ride continues to get better and better as every loop di loop brings in more and more fans. Its so fitting that Jared Goff is going to put the Juul out of its misery as he and the rams optimize first to worst just like this team. Juul flavors get a national ban as this juul gets banned from the playoffs?.. Coincidence??? Aliens are real? 9/11 was an inside job? ABs wild ride by a million and with some help can sneak in.
3. Baby Shaker Baker (8-4)(2nd place) vs Julio’s Waffle House (5-7) (8th place)
Oh man, how right vegas always is. The waffle house finds themselves in the last regular season game of the year battling for the beloved 7 seed. Who could of predicted it?! “If only i had my 2nd and 3rd round draft pick for the year” “If only hooper didn’t get hurt for the last 3 weeks” “If only i wasn’t a mouth breathing moron” This one is clear folks, the waffle house is off to a hot start but its lunch time, the syrup is drying up, the babies are crying and somebody needs to shake them. Baby shaker in a come from behind blowout.
4. Ringless Robby (6-6) (4th place) vs Sammy gave me a Chubb (7-5) (3rd place)
Some late game tinkering, some draft pick meltdowns and a name change later, i think ringless robby is really gunna do it. Win or lose i think this shoot out i going to lead to a playoff spot for both of these teams. Do i think ringless robby has enough to contend? The name says it all but do i think ringless robby can spoil a contender hopes in the 1st round.. shhhhhh. I hope the simone cousins shared the gravy at thanksgiving because theres plenty to go around in the week 13. Does the resurrected chubb gives his cousin an early christmas present or does gravy become thicker than blood. Tune in to find out. Leaning toward ringless robby in this one.
5. Officer Dickskin (6-6) (6th place) vs Hepatitis D (5-7) (11th place)
Man, this one is tearing at my heartstrings. Two of my favorite underdogs to rock all every year. One team i trade raped into a 3-0 run for the both of us, the other.. the officer. Nothing more i can hope for than a 400-399 win for Hepatitis D as they both sneak in. After talking to my analytics guy and crunching all the numbers I’m taking Hepatitis money line here. Simply too much value for the matchup and too much on the line. Get your vaccines we might see Hepatitis in the playoffs for maybe the first time ever???
6. Sutton My Face (5-7) (10th place) vs OB gay and the boys (6-6) (5th place)
I couldn’t be happier that its week 13 and after this week i won’t have to be writing about both of these dumpster fires anymore. These teams make me almost as sick as the daniel jones and pat shurmur led giants. Its football season, so I’m going to watch but god does it make me regret a lot of things I’ve done in my life to lead me to this point. Sutton my face has a hilariously good roster on paper but also has 52 points on his bench from the turkey bowl. Ob gay and the boys is the annoying little brother that always wants to do what his big brother is doing. “my team is really good too” Hope Sutton my face suffocates the gay boy out of the playoffs in this one.
Alright boys week fucking 12. The clock is ticking for most of you dumpster fire squads.. 2 more weeks to drag your sorry ass teams to the playoffs. For majority of the league id like to thank you for your donations in advance, without you guys this league would never have made it to where it is today. Lets get into it.
In this absolute game of the year matchup, both teams see a name change. A little confused here, but Ringless Robby has got quite the ring to it. Ha thats about the only thing associated with robby that has a ring. Tbh i can’t blame these owners for changing their names.. i wouldn’t want to be associated with those 1st 11 weeks either. But anyways lets get back to the field.. after breaking down the game film I can’t see anyway in which this one isn’t an absolute rout. For those of you less fortunate, a rout is defined as “a disorderly retreat of defeated troops.” Look for the gay boys to be running away from this one with their tail between their legs, staying up all night listening to drake. “The worst part about being strong is that no one ever ask if you’re okay.” Ringless Robby by a thousand.
2. Julio’s Waffle House (5-6) vs AB’s Wild Ride (4-7)
*SPOILER ALERT* These 2 spiraling teams meet in this 1:00 flexed game. Earlier in the season this game was supposed to be MNF but the league realized it didn’t want to waste the viewers time. This game is a foreshadow of bills vs jets week 17 this year. We have the fraudulent Waffle house who snuck out some early wins and put themselves in playoff contention vs the horrible jets who have nothing but pride to play for. Expect the Wild Ride to put the waffle house in the Gravitron this week.. those walls are going to be sticky.
3. The Clawwww (8-3) vs SuttOn My face (5-6)
Alright boys, you know when you get to the part on sunday after you lose all your parlays, the jets and giants have ripped out your heart, you’ve stared at your fantasy team put up 56 points, all the 1:00 games are over and you rip your nicotine devices until you pass out on the couch? This is that time. Absolute snoozefest as the clawwww just keeps on snatching souls.
4. Sammy gave me a Chubb (6-5) vs Let me hit your Jujul (5-6)
Man this is the fucking reason i love this beautiful sport that we play. The fucking simoney show down week 12, playoffs on the line. If this doesn’t tickle your balls idk what will. All i know is somebody will be passing the stuffing at thanksgiving this week. I know in my line of work you guys expect picks and you expect winners but this is a battle of two winners. This one is going to come down to whoever has the ball last and boy do you not want to miss it. Sorry to say it but I’m going to have to rock with the chubbs here.
5. Hepatitis D (4-7) vs Baby Shaker Baker (8-3)
Hold the phone here folks.. looks like the Hepatitis D is evolving and those damn antibiotics aren’t working anymore. This red hot team is coming off 2 huge wins after a monster trade that left some fans and owners murmuring. Clearly hepatitis D knew Tua was a weak ass bitch because this team is no longer tanking. I really don’t wanna say it but I’m gunna say it.. a win this week and Hepatitis D is eyeing a playoff spot. (eyeball emoji) Expect the baby shakers to coast into this game as they are one of 2 teams to already clinch. Expect the baby shakers to start scaling back their starters minutes to gear up for the playoffs. Gunna try something new here and pull out my mushing powers on the baby shakers..throw the house on the shakers this week.
6. Mud Monkeys (5-6) vs Officer Dickskin (5-6)
The officer absolutely burned me last week. They were my mortal lock, the sherif was back in town, blue lives almost mattered. Part of me is done with this organization and part of me also wants to slam my hand right back on stove and see if i get burned again. Tbh before writing this there was really no way i could see the officer pulling this one off but i now i got myself fired up. Im touching the flame.. OFFICER DICKSKIN resurrection game.