PLAYOFFS?????? (insert Jim Mora here) I know all of you got some extra coins in your pocket and ready to throw in some ridiculous parlays. Have no fear boys the guru is here. @matty @robbo 😉 . I couldn’t be happier to see 3 former champs still well and alive. Robbo finally fucking did it and E is the new tony..congrats on being worse than 50% of the league but better than the other 50%. Currently sitting at a 58-7-3 record.. lets finish this one off right.
Before i get started id like to formally congratulate the Mud Monkeys for securing a playoff spot. Unfortunately for you it means you knocked out my good friends, my favorite underdogs.. ABs wild ride. You got some bad jujuuuuuu coming your way my friend. Fantasy is a cruel cruel game and this week it’ll be roaring its ugly head at you for messing up that cinderella story. With that being said, id like to tell another story.. today i was walking to class, snow melting around me, bunch of soggy grass, just a real messy situation. I got inside and decided to wipe my timbs off on the mat(I’m from new york) and made a shit brown stain on the rug. Looking down at it disgusted, i said to myself “thats a mud monkey”.. i spit on it and went on with my day. The clawwww snatches the 1st round victory.
2. Ringless Robby (3 seed) vs Officer Dickskin (6 seed)
The son of a bitch did it. You fucking did it Officer. I will never kneel during the national anthem. God damn do i love football. “Between winning and losing, between living and dying. When we add up all those inches, thats going to make the fucking difference. On this team, we fight for that inch.” AHHHH man this one is tickling my balls. Officer dickskin is outmatched yet again but justice will be served. We got domestic violence in this one and I’m taking cuz. Ringless Robby going to be seeing APtheGHOST28 out there all week as officer dickskin slips one by ringless robby just as he slips one by on ya girl.
3. OB Gay and the Boys (4 seed) vs Sammy gave me a Chubb (5 seed)
Sheeeeeesh do we got some juicy matchups this wildcard weekend. Already got multiple calls from tony gobagol in PR and ratings are through the rooooooooof. Expect some holiday bonuses in the mail as fireworks will be set off in this one. On one hand I love OBgay putting all its trust in Darold.. on the other hand i think these are the mouth breathing decisions that keep this organization ringless. In the other corner we got the Chubbs that got 13 weeks of blue balls looking like a smirf out there. Idk what this team is going to do but I know its looking to bone anything thrown in front of it. Just hope this team finds the right hole. In a true utter toss up I’m going with the Chubbs in this one.
4. Baby Shaker Baker (1 seed) vs Bye (Undefeated)
For the 6th straight year Baby Shaker Baker’s stout defense leads the league in lowest points against. This team is bigger, faster, stronger and isn’t afraid to hit you in the mouth. They got home field advantage throughout the playoffs and you don’t want to see this defense at home. Try to run the ball? Not happening. Try to throw the ball? Forget about ittt. Try to run a double reverse option pass? You just got sacked, turnover on downs. Defense wins championships.. maybe this stout D needs some respect? Baby Shaker’s take out the bye this week in a landslide. Sprinkle some change on them pitching a shut out in this one. (+10000)
Now onto the losers bracket….
HAHAHAHAHAHAH you thought id waste my thoughts and finger strength typing game breakdowns on you fucking losers. hahahahahaha congratulations guys, you are pretty much the knicks of our league. MORE THAN HALF THE LEAGUE MAKES THE PLAYOFFS AND YOU DIDNT. hahahahah god idek how you guys face yourselves in the mirror every morning. Jesus christ. Our former champ gets a pass on this one as he still has our beloved trophy for another couple weeks. But the rest of you.. sheesh.
However, I’d like to congratulate Tony on locking up the 1st round bye. Not gunna lie bud, i doubted you had it in you bud but you did it you sick son of a bitch. I can make the 1st anti superhero book about you. The Chronicle of Tony Toughnutz. PAGE 1: Today was a tough day. I woke up and let the shower water hit me in the back of the head for 40 minutes as i stood in the shower slumped. The water was too hot and burned me but the nozzle was too far away to change the temperature. Then, I sat at work for 8 hours looking at my shitty fantasy lineup day dreaming about what could’ve been. I got home from work and zeus peed on me at the door. Rosa made meatloaf for dinner even though she knows i hate meatloaf. She even made me finish all of my vegetables. Now I’m sitting in my room in my boxers reading this write up wishing I wasn’t so bad at fantasy football. Hopefully tomorrow is a better day. END.